Out Of Hiding Places
It didn’t take long.
Day Seven at about 7:35p.m. EST– right in the middle of my small group call, my phone on mute – I was on my knees in tears.
Face red, eyes puffy, an avalanche of snot running down my face and into my mouth...a hot mess. I haven’t cried like that
in years. The kind of sob session that has no particular source and yet encompasses everything; the successes and failures in equal measure. The ways I’ve shown-up and slinked away. How I’ve loved and been hurt and been loved and hurt by others.
A child’s pose for the soul. A true unraveling.
I had just shared. Something about my tendency for taking on more and more projects. My habit of hiding in my work... of people pleasing. Maybe it was that. Or maybe it was the fact that earlier in the day I had a hard discussion with someone I love and whom I had failed.
Or maybe...it was the simple fact that there was finally space for my tears to flow.
When our Shih Tzu, Bubba, was little he could fit in my cupped hands and also under the couch, coffee table and
bookshelf that littered our tiny apartment. At the time we lived on the 15th floor of a high-rise building and trying to housebreak a puppy meant two elevator rides, a long hallway and ornery exit door that often stuck for no reason before we hit any green space...needless to say, time was of the essence when trying to avoid an accident.
Bubba, however, had no worries about getting to the park before his bladder let go. Instead, as soon as he heard his leash he ran underneath anything available... the smallest space would do. Eventually, we got wise to his scheme and almost like a dance my husband and I would move whatever piece of furniture he was taking refuge under and then he’d dart under something else and the two-step went on like this until the room was empty and Bubba sat, surrendered, in the corner ready for his walk.
I am like Bubba and 40 Days is slowly removing my favorite hiding places.
Kneeling on my bedroom floor, weeping with my muted phone beside me, I felt what he must have back then...exposed with nothing left to hide under.
Day 12: Lift Off
I wrote the above words on Tuesday morning (Day 9) but wasn’t able to share it. Every time I re-read it I felt vulnerable, itchy. I kept thinking, “This isn’t what a Certified Baptiste Teacher is supposed to be or put out into the world. I own a yoga studio for Pete’s sake... What will my students, peers, teachers, Baron
think when they read this?”
I planned on deleting it and starting over, but was running late for the yoga class I was hoping to take so I rushed up to the studio with my curser blinking, the words safe for the moment.
For most of the class I was stuck in my head. Going through the motions and thinking about the post. Somewhere around crescent lunge I decided to write something lighter (safer) like how I am successfully cutting down on my coffee intake and should make my goal of being temporarily free of caffeine for the fruit cleanse.
All of the sudden, I was back in my body and found myself in boat, feeling strong. Like so many times before, I came out of it and placed my hands on the floor, crossed my ankles and – for the first time, ever – I lifted up.
Floating there, surprised and giggling, I finally got it...all of the energy I’ve been putting into hiding has been weighing me down. Not sharing the post would be just another way to stay in the shadows. So here it is, like it or not, that’s for you to decide. But for me, I want to keep lifting.